i love you too
I feel really tired and really anxious. Like drained, but lazy at the same time. I bought a nice warm grey sweater today though, and I hope tomorrow I will be drinking a beer somewhere with people I like. Things aren’t too bad, I’m wearing cute ‘jammies and listening to a mix of oren lavie and kanye west, and all the things I free downloaded but never listened to. In my car today I listened to the Taylor Swift CD i borrowed from my sister and the new Kings Of Leon, which just makes me wish it was summer and i was heading out to Jones Beach, and I just feel really between places right now, I’m not exactly unhappy all the time, but i feel like I am in a transition phase, I cannot get comfortable home, because I want to leave so bad, but at the same time I feel as though I am constantly grasping for ‘the way things were.’ I really feel like one of those mirror image art projects that has spliced body parts making an incomplete whole. haha maybe i should grab some old vogues and make a collage.
Lately i’ve been oddly loving the old school disposable cameras. Something about the grainy shitastic quality of the finished product, i love that you don’t know how the picture is going to turn out. I’ve been using them non-stop, I dont even know if I am going to buy digital camera, I wish my mom would get on the insurance to give us back money for the stolen cameras, but i doubt she will, and to be honest I am not missing it that much, only when i need to take an awesome myspace pic do i wish i had it.
i did everything right this year and now I am the one alone on christmas.
i am really super tired of being crippled with fear about confrontation. I am sitting in my bed in a towel afraid to go in the living room b/c my mom is making everyone leave b/c i’ve been a big bitch and can’t study for the GRE while they are here. Well, thats my interpretation of what is happening. For whatever reason I am too crippled and too immature to leave my room. MY MOTHER IS OUT FUCKING TAKING THEM TO DINNER SPENDING MORE FUCKING MONEY ON THEM because she could not tell them initially that this was a bad time to stay two days b/c I had to study. What does it matter, it not like i was going to get a better score this time anyway. I am just so overwhelmed with all the effort (emotionally) i put into getting through life with a smile on my face, while making things nice for other people, and how little even the thought of reciprocation is entertained.
can i just say i fucking hate the holidays? my whole kid of divorced parents shpeel is funny and witty, but now i am really done. i fucking hate christmas, and all kinds of holidays, they literally make me ill and from now on i’ve decided not to celebrate anything. I will be the aunt who always gives cash in a generic card. holidays are for people that have real families, therefore i don’t begrudge or hate if you want to celebrate. but to be honest, if you lived me life you’d hate them too.
not a single person in my family wished me merry christmas or called me. my mother has never learned after 22 years of knowing me that all i want to do on christmas is watch ‘white christmas’ with her, my uncle and godfather, whom i had to call myself, talked to me for two hours about his colon surgery, not before telling me he is sick of my writing him personal letters, b/c frankly he is tired of hearing what i usually talk about, he also said all this in a letter which he told me he mailed today. my mother yelled at my for not getting presents for my brother and nephew, even though she told me i didn’t need to and already bought them “from both of us” gifts. Sorry if i don’t want to give my brother a present when it is due to his financial irresponsibility that we didn’t have water for months, not to mention that I PAID personally for this water to be restored. at dinner tonight, i was told to wait until the men had been seated to get my food. as dinner was consumed, my mother started talking over everything i said, and if, somehow, i managed to say something as everyone else was consuming food, it was awkwardly ignored and everyone acted as though no on spoke. I gotta say, I had a better time being ignored by my father, the classy man who usually keeps me filled with cheer during the Thanksgiving holidays. MERRY MISOGYNY! I think I have learned that I don’t really belong in households. I’ve decided to be done with holidays, and not try to acknowledge them anymore. this one just hit too hard. I busted my ass like no other year, and my mother says I got her too many gifts so why didn’t i get more for everyone else. She fought me tooth and nail about christmas decorating ON MY LAST FUCKING CHRISTMAS AT HOME. I have never gotten to pick or do what I want on christmas, and up until now I was the christmas person, I was the one who loved it, and yet I’ve never been allowed to pick what we do or where we go, what we watch, eat, visit. Whatever, I’m done, I personally will stop celebrating christmas and holidays. This madness just needs to stop, kids of divorced parents who have fucked up families need a free pass and an anti-holiday option.
I just want to get to the city, or somewhere far away where I can lie to family members and tell them I am seeing each other, and then I can just be alone, I don’t know what I’ll do with all that alone time. Maybe I will celebrate things, or maybe I’ll just leave it be, and enjoy the solitude. Either or, but probably the latter, b/c I just can’t stand the loneliness, I can’t stand trying to bring anyone in, or make anyone involved. When you involve other people things get messy and you have to let your plans slip. I want to make a life that is totally self-suffiecent and gives me all I need. my happiness is contingent on nothing but myself. I don’t need people or things or anything.
1. I would like to be Blair and Serena all the time at the same time. I enjoy headbands AND I hope my mugshot is hot.
2. I would like to have a boyfriend who listened to early 2000s alternative music, and is preferably of the All Time Low bassist quality of hotness. But now he needs to be pursing a career that can pay for his own recreational activities.
3. I want to be successful in graduate school, so I can be witty at the bars I go to after work, where Laine and I meet a conglomeration of Tony Starks and Anthony Greens who find us both rapturously, equally, and effortlessly charming
4. I want Katherine Heigl’s early Grey’s Anatomy Body, but only if I can achieve it running in central park or working out at Hugh Jackman’s gym.
5. I want to be study things I enjoy, because at the end of the day I like all that stuff I want to eloquently discuss in NYC bars. I DO see merit in a kitchen table piled up with books, and I believe in pushing yourself because it is when you are so angry at yourself for being subpar that you have the question of ‘do i want this?’ and if it makes you want to try harder than you should get all the lovely, amazing, and lucky things that you want.
6. I want well placed tattoos in places my mother won’t bitch about. Yes I am pretentious because they will probably all be literary references. Unless I am 40 and drunk in vegas and get a dashboard/tbs themed tattoo.
7. Tiffany and a few designer purses, req’d to match a few great work ensembles.
8. A GREAT boob job when I am about 30.
9. Summers at the beach with old sweatshirts, good friends, bagels, pizza, grills, and my family.
10. every big R romantic fantasy I have ever wanted about moving, graduate school, boyfriends, summer vacations, “finding yourself” trips, friends, cocktail parties, families, apartments, real houses, animals, concerts, and life.
I have a fucked up sense of super-romantic
This is the most writers block I have ever had in my entire life. I hate when you get to that point in your career where you can’t half ass things anymore because you have personal integrity. WHO THE FUCK WANTS PERSONAL INTEGRITY? Goddamn it. I really wish I didn’t hold myself to a good standard sometimes. Like this paper right now, I have to cover every possibility, I have to have a complete and articulate background, I have to keep all the names straight, get the dates right, remember all the elements of style, and somehow stop sticking my foot in my own mouth long enough to ask Parkinson for help without appearing as if I am propositioning him. This is all a huge undertaking and I don’t know if I can succeed at any of the parts of it. I feel so burnt out right now and it is only 12:19 and I have very little salvageable material written. I don’t even have a goddamn thesis. I am SO fucked right now.
It’s much more than i thought i could do
And with time my worth with stain
And split your heart from my name…
So drive away your mouth from my ears
And waste a day so i can think clearly
And what’s left to wait for here
As my hands sleep spent this last year
Choking the bottle’s neck that pulled you from my bed” —death cab
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Salem Paper Rough Draft